The Little Girl That Can

The thing about the relationship I’m anxious. I love him more and more every single day. I love the way he smiles, the way he makes me feel. I love his sense of humour. I even love his scary, fast driving. I love his laugh, I love how he holds me. I love the person he makes me want to be. I want to be better because of him. Because of him I understand the flaws I’ve been living with that have been, unknowingly, destroying me and I want to make them better. I want to be better so I can live my life with him. He brings me out of my comfort zone, but keeps me in it at the same time. He’s helping me grow.

I haven’t been in a lot of relationships, but I’ve had a lot of “almost” relationship that have left as heartbroken as my actual relationships. The thing is that I let them get to me so much that I keep over thinking everything. I get scared of us breaking up, I get scared of falling out of love with him, I get scared that my love isn’t actually genuine. Then I realize that it is.

There is no other way to describe the way I feel for him other than totally and completely in love. It’s not like it is in the movies, at least I don’t think it is. He’s my best friend and I can tell him absolutely anything and everything. I break the rules for him and don’t even think twice about it. I can be 100 per cent myself with him and I’ve never felt more comfortable. No one believes in me like he does. No other boyfriend has accepted me like he has. I am the luckiest girl in the world to have him.

It’s hard to pinpoint all the things that I love about you. I just do. I look at you and I just know. I look at you doing something and I realize that I love it. Or seeing you do something that annoys me, I know that I can look passed it and “live with it.”

• I love the way that you tap the steering wheel to your favourite songs and sing along lightly.
• I love the way you call me “love” 
• I love that big smile you get. The one where your eyes close.
• I love how you’re always warm
• I love that you’re my best friend and we can talk about anything
• I love that you hide nothing about who you are.
• I love the way that you believe in me. More than I believe in myself.

It’s so hard to say everything that I love about you because there’s so much I love. This is just the tip of the iceberg. I can’t think of everything I love about you. I just do. I just love you.

Chivalry isn’t dead. It’s just lost in a mess of Jagermeister, baggy pants and a poor excuse for hip-hop music.

It’s funny how everything changes when you’re finally with someone that you want to be with. Your entire life changes and even your take on relationships.

I am in a relationship in which I can tell my boyfriend anything. I literally mean anything. I can tell him embarrassing stories from my past relationships or tell him my greatest fears. He is someone that I trust and confide 100 per cent. I think that’s when you know you’ve found something great and worth fighting for. When you can be with someone who is your best friend, but you also want a romantic relationship with.

I feel very lucky to have finally found this.

I have another blog that is basically for “shenanigans”. It’s a blog that I just post random pictures and posts. It’s not much of anything. I moved all my writing to this blog so I had a designated spot for it.

I had an anonymous person send me a message on that blog telling me that they thought I was an intelligent and interesting girl, but were concerned I would become one of those girls whose life revolved around their boyfriend.

I think there is a thin line between having someone be a part of your life and then having your life revolve around someone else. I have a life outside of my boyfriend. I have other friends that aren’t directly his as well, and he has friends that aren’t directly mine. I don’t think I should be shamed because I have a boyfriend and like to talk about him. I love him and I want to make sure he’s safe, happy and all those things. That’s what you do when you’re in a relationship.

Does my life revolve around him? Absolutely not. Do I throw away all plans to go and be with him? No. I want to be around him, but we both believe that space makes us stronger. 

I fear in my life that I will always be second best. I fear that nothing I do will ever measure up. I fear that I will never do anything incredible or worthy of other peoples time.

I want to be a writer. I want to be an author, more specifically. I want to write something that people can relate to. I want to be a writer that can evoke emotion from people. I want to write something where people can constantly reference back to and remember how they felt when they read it. I want to make people feel positive again. I want to bring people out of their slump and show them that they can accomplish anything. I don’t know how I plan on doing that when I can’t even let the people I love dearest read anything I’ve ever written.

How do you deal with fear? How do you let go of your inhibitions and just do whatever it is that you want? How do you achieve something that you’re terrified you’ll always be mediocre at?

If I base my entire life and my decisions off of this constant fear of never being good enough then I will never end up anyone. Then my life will be mediocre and I will never do anything worthy of other peoples time. It’s time to grow up and stop being so scared.

Close to 5 years ago I started high school and was stuck being an awkward kind of lonely 14 year old, much like anyone. I met a boy who was about 3 years older than me and I really started to like him. He was all I wanted, and he seemed perfect. I was so set on the idea of a relationship and so optimistic about the outcome of me telling him how I truly felt. I wrote him a 7 page letter, I am aware of how much that is, telling him how I felt about him. He rejected me. He told me that he couldn’t be with me, that he didn’t feel the same anymore. I was distraught, I didn’t know what to do with myself. For years after I compared everyone to him, I ruined relationships because they weren’t him. Despite all the hurt he continued to dish out to me after years of the rejection, I still felt the same.

One day after I reached out to him one last time and long story short: he betrayed my trust. It wasn’t in a big way, but it was in a way that told me that I reached out to him and he decided to tell one person I didn’t trust anymore. I gave up on him and shed those thoughts about he and I ever being together. I realized who he truly was and that he was someone that I didn’t want.

I went to school with no feelings for him and no expectation of finding someone. I obviously had hope, but I one that I would be okay if I didn’t find someone. I was totally blindsided when I eventually started talking to a fantastic man. We were first put into a group together in our Communications class and then we never really spoke again. A couple months later I got up the courage to talk to him when I recognized a youtube video he was watching. From there we started hanging out together and my feelings grew for him more than just “the cute guy from the record store from the next town over.” I finally got up the courage to tell him how I felt and I can’t believe how well it’s worked for me.

I believe in taking a chance. The first time I took a chance, it didn’t work out for me. The next time it has worked out so well for me. I hope it continues to work out for him and I.

So I did tell that guy how I felt about him and it actually has worked in my favour. He an I have been dating for about a month and a half and it’s going really well. I think he’s positively fantastic. 

He’s got the best smile ever. When I say something he thinks is cute or funny he gets this adorable smile that just consumes his whole face. Just thinking about it makes my heart flutter.

He is probably the most supportive person I have ever met. He deals with me and all my fears perfectly and makes me feel so safe. I have never felt safer than when I’m with him. He supports me with whatever it is that I choose to do. He supports me with my writing and my dreams. He supports me even with my poor video game ability. He refuses to give up on me. It doesn’t matter the situation, he’s just always there.

Before him I hated cuddling. I didn’t like being touched and if I was touched I would get rigid and my mind raced. I couldn’t get comfortable. Now I can’t get enough of him. If we’re not touching, whether we’re holding hands or laying together, I want more. I want him all the time. I’ve now started sleeping with a body pillow to make up for the space in my bed I wish he occupied.

It’s a little soon, but I’m falling in love with him. I don’t think it, I know it.